The First of Many Highs and Lows

15 March 2013 : Today I changed the header on my blog so people could see I intend to fight Eric all the way and a wrote my first blog post about the start of my journey. I also joined the patient forum on beating bowel cancer. Such inspiring stories. Someone made the point they decided not to give their cancer a name because it might sound as though they were making friends with him. Eric the Invader is certainly never going to be a friend in any shape or form. I just hope that I continue to have the strength to oust him.

Getting my affairs in order is important too. Not that I have any intention of not being here in years to come but for piece of mind, I have set in motion a health and welfare lasting power of attorney. This gives my daughters the authority to be given access to my medical notes and make any medical or welfare decisions on my behalf if I am unable to do so. I already have an enduring power of attorney so they can deal with my finances should the need ever arise, which of course it won’t, but it’s good to know it’s there.

This evening probably because I am tired I am beginning to feel somewhat maudlin. I’ve been reading about chemotherapy which sounds absolutely awful but if it prolongs my life I will have to deal with it.   Even though treatment gives people another 5 to 10 years, it’s still like having a death sentence over you.  Of course this is crazy because we all die eventually, it’s just that most of us don’t know when that will happen. Think I’ll take myself to bed at least when I am asleep I won’t think about it.

16 March 2013:  It’s 4.30 in the morning and I have woken up wanting everything to go back to normal. Only it hasn’t really been normal for some time now, it’s just that then I didn’t know I had cancer.     Feeling tearful and scared. Perhaps the middle of the night is always going to make me feel like that.

I have read all the lovely comments on Facebook of support from family and friends and on my blog. People I have never met who have followed my blog for a long time have sent their love and expressed their sadness and shock at my news. Suddenly feel quite lonely though and wonder how I am going to cope with all of this living on my own.  There is no immediate person to give me that all needed hug.  Damn it now I am going to cry.

My next blog post is going to be about my garden, I have promised myself that.

19 thoughts on “The First of Many Highs and Lows

  1. The dark of night is a demon at times…even for those of us not dealing with what you have to so don’t be hard on yourself if it gets you down Ronnie.

    Like

  2. I am so sorry to hear about your diagnosis, but there is always hope. I have heard so many inspirational stories since my diagnosis of ovarian cancer last Aug.I was terrified, but I was referred to an excellent surgeon and have had surgery and chemo (very successful). The best advice I had was from my surgeon who, knowing the level of my anxiety, said, “Leave the worrying to me. Just keep yourself healthy and stay in a positive frame of mind.” I said “I can do that! I didn’t want to know statistics or the stage of my disease. I thrive on words of encouragement and prayers sent my way. And i am sending my positve thoughts your way as you go this journey back to good health!

    Like

  3. Hi Ronnie, was stunned to read your blog when I received the weekly digest today. Life definitely throws some punches. The early hours are always the worst time for thinking about things and daylight usually makes you see things differently. Lots of positive thoughts and plenty of hugs.

    Like

  4. Hello Ronnie, I think you’re extremely brave and I only have positive thoughts for you. You are definitely not alone and I’m so pleased you have gardening in your life. When I get stuck into some gardening or seed sowing my mind can be very calm, it’s the one activity I do where I can really feel free of any thoughts, of any kind. Sending you massive hugs xxxx

    Like

  5. I’m sorry to hear your news. I hate Eric already but I’m glad you are determined to beat him. Anything bad always seems worse in the wee hours so try to have things you can do (that can keep you from dwelling on Eric) when you do wake up in the middle of the night. Hugs.

    Like

  6. What marvellous support you have from our garden blog friends, Ronnie. I wish you well. Easter with its warmer, brighter days is nearly upon us and your garden awaits you with all the restorative powers that gardening undoubtedly brings.

    Like

  7. It’s ok and normal to cry and be sad, angry, confused. If you don’t sleep well at night try and take a nap between 11 and 1:00 during the day. It will help you a lot.

    Like

  8. The middle of the night either makes everything seem worse, or better. They are full of extremes. Take a firm grasp of the positives, but write whatever makes you feel better. Looking forward to the garden post. ((((((Hugs))))))

    Like

  9. A big general thank you to you all for your messages of support. It is clear that a positive fighting spirit is what is required and to be maintain. I will keep reading your messages whenever I get a low. Love to you all. Ronnie xx

    Like

  10. Ronnie – I know from friends who have fought cancer that it is a series of highs and lows, I suppose you just have to go with it. You need to set yourself up some treats which you focus on to distract you from the lows and when you have middle of the night lows you can plan the next treat instead. Things to look forward to. I wouldnt do research about chemo and things like that in the evenings as it will play on your mind. We are here for you. The fact that you are being so up front and out there about it I am sure will really help

    Like

  11. Here are some hugs from me to you. Plus a word of hope, I have a good friend who had bowel cancer ages ago, and she got though it and lives a happy life, you can too, but you need to positive; I truly believe that is one of the most important things in recovery. Wish I were closer to you to be able to give you a real hug. Christina

    Like

  12. So sorry to hear that Cancer has darkened your door. I can’t even begin to understand what that must be like as my only experience with cancer is as an advocate for my daughter and father who both had cancer.
    I hope you have someone by your side through this – this is a journey that requires much hugging and hand holding!

    Like

  13. Oh Ronnie – those middle of the nights are the pits aren’t they – last night with the wind howling and the rain lashing was an appropriately wild setting too. Bring back the sun and the warmth so you can actually get out in your garden – I for one have been missing your garden blogs – last one was quite a while ago – can’t think why that was 🙂 If you change your mind about lunch, supper or whatever – the offer’s still there and a big hug too xxxx

    Like

Comments are closed.